The other day, I met a friend for coffee. We were talking about life, our families, and that both of our youngest had graduated. We are both moving into new phases of our lives, and as conversations go, we got into some serious discussions on things.
She asked me a question which I haven’t been asked in a while: How did you come to the decision of divorce all those years ago?
In the past when I’ve been asked this question, it was met with a lot of other questions or uncomfortableness because difficult decisions are never entered into lightly and not only challenge your belief systems but of those around you as well.
My answer to the question has remained the same: I took a hard look at my life and discovered that I was in love with an idea of what we had for our marriage, but the reality was far different. When I faced reality, it felt like the proverbial punch to the gut. We were not living what we wanted. We had an idea of what it could be but had never known how to get there and at the time, it was not moving in that direction. It was a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is often better than living a lie.
This is advice I’ve given to my children. Develop ideas of how you want your life, profession, and relationships to be. Take steps to make it a reality. Recognize when the reality isn’t matching what you want and make sure you’re not in love with a situation or person based on what it could be rather than what it is. Many people are in love with the idea of what someone or something offers to them, rather than facing the reality of the current situation. Sometimes it can be fixed, and sometimes it cannot.
It’s important to recognize when reality isn’t living up to the fantasy you have in your head. Putting action into your dreams often means letting go of the ego attachment we have to things because practical reality of “living your best life” can be different than what you imagine.
When someone promises to give you everything you ever wanted, make sure you are not in love with what they promise to give you, and be in love with them. Often we mistake the two until we are so deeply committed to a relationship that we feel we cannot give up on it. If actions don’t match words, take a good, hard look at what is really going on. It can be easy to get swept up in other people’s feeling and emotions, their wants, needs, and desires, and forget that we need to check in with ourselves to make sure we aren’t compromising ourselves physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
The picture quote I posted says it all: Pursue yourself. Know yourself inside and out. Understand what you do and don’t want. Feel where you are willing to compromise with another without compromising yourself. Be the healthiest, happiest, most healed and present version of yourself. If you don’t know yourself, you won’t really know what you want – you’ll only think you know based on what others want, what others belief, and what beliefs you’ve adopted from others.
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