Who Am I Now?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve taken a lot of time to relax this summer and discover who I am without being a mom to my kids. While I will always be their mother, my role is turning to one more of mentor and friend. Rather than guiding them in all of their life choices, they are now at a point where they have the tools to guide themselves and ask me for advice if and when they need it. This is a place in our lives I had worked toward getting to one day, and while it’s wonderful, it’s also weird to reach a destination along the life journey that you didn’t necessarily have an end date for, and to realize – we made it!

Here are some things I’ve noticed the past few months:

1. I’m tired. This might make you laugh and it gave me a giggle to write it, but I’ve done a lot of sleeping in the past few months. At times, if I didn’t know better, I might think I was depressed. But when I reflect, I’m healing a nervous system that has been “on” for quite a long time, even before the kids came along. When you relax for real, it takes a bit of time to recharge when you’re not running after someone, or running a child to an activity, or counselling them through something they’re going through, etc. Which brings me to #2…
2. I worried about my kids whether I was conscious of it or not. I’ve been concerned for the welfare of my kids since the day they were born. I wasn’t fraught with worry all the time, but when I reflect, worry was a background energy because of many factors. Any time my kids were sick, I was always juggling how to get them medical help if they needed, and what I was going to do with the others while I tended to one. Managing a busy household with a husband who travelled a lot, going through a divorce, and anxieties of keeping a house running, finances, and more – well, I’ve lost more than a bit of sleep over the past couple of decades, never mind all the lost sleep when they were babies and toddlers. So, I’ve got some sleep to catch up on. Back to #1… and my pillow… LOL
3. I had a life before my children came along; a life my children know nothing about, except maybe what I’ve thought to share over the years. I’m also a very different person than who I was back then, so discovering who I am now without being in the main role of a mother has been…interesting. I have many interests, I have different jobs, and I’m learning to build a life for myself now – one that includes my children, but isn’t centred around them. It’s different to make decisions when I’m not factoring in other people. To realize that I don’t always have to consider their needs anymore when I plan my day is a real transition. Sometimes it makes me sad. Mostly I feel proud that my kids are so independent and confident. It doesn’t mean they don’t need me, but they don’t need me to be the main go-to anymore. It feels different to get up in the morning and not have to plan out my day around other people, and while it’s nice, I’m adjusting to that.
4. I’m still healing issues from my youth and divorce. Healing is an on-going process, and one I’ve been conscious of in various forms for over two decades. I have a lot of tools at my disposal, and I use them daily. But raising children takes a lot of energy, and it takes conscious energy to be conscious of your parenting while you’re healing. I’m discovering issues that I thought I’d dealt with and perhaps did on a surface level, but they are now coming out to be cleared away from my energy field. The reality is that when you’re a parent, you don’t always come first whether it’s your intention or not. I’ve often wondered if we don’t put a lot of pressure on parents to “put themselves first” when in reality, if you want to be a parent and a good one at that, that your kids always come first in some fashion. While I took care of myself the best I could, when my kids needed me, I was there. That was important to me, and my issues took a back seat next to theirs. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
5. I feel relief to have gotten to this point in our lives. I was surprised when that emotion kept rising. There were some rough patches in each of my kids lives, either due to divorce, personal and school issues, so it’s been a busy time. And since I always had the ambient worry of whether my kids were all right a lot of the time, it’s a relief to let that go. Everyone is in a good place. They’ve worked as hard on their self-esteems, self-confidence, and healing as I have. They should be proud of where they are at and I hope they are and give themselves credit for it. I’m relieved those rough times are over and we can relax into life more and enjoy ourselves. We all have the tools now to handle anything that comes our way.
6. I get to build a life with my partner now that is ours. Our kids will be a part of it, of course, but since the main focus for me has been on parenting, and he’s been such a big part of that support since he entered our lives, we can now focus on what we want to build for the two of us. I actually felt apprehensive about this at first because what the hell do I build for myself and with another person to boot, especially when we don’t have to make the main focus of whether the kids will be okay in the process? I’m also excited for the opportunity to focus on our relationship, and plan where we want to live, what we want to do, and how we want to build. We’ve had a lot of tough and frank conversations along the way about money, business, and our relationship in general. It’s equally weird and wonderful for me to be at a place where I can focus on this.
7. Focusing on myself feels weird without someone else needing my attention. For the first time maybe ever, I feel able to focus on what I want to do, how I need to heal, and how I need to take care of myself. Before my kids came along, I always worried about others and taking care of them over myself because I had a false sense of safety from that. Now I don’t have to do any of that, and it’s a freeing concept I’m looking forward to putting into practice. I have books I want to write, workshops I want to give, and so many things I want to do and ways I want to explore my life and the world. I look forward to sharing that with all of you and of course my kids.

~Kellie