This morning I woke up with my shadow reminding me of what I was like about 30 years ago. This happens within our healing process from time to time when we shift out of old belief patterns and habits – a small part of ourselves wants to remind us of who we were and that we can never forget, or try to taunt us into believing that we can never change.
I know I’m a very different person than I was thirty years ago. Back then, I was newly married and a new mother. I had no idea who I was – never mind how to be a good wife, partner, or mom. I was learning as I went, mostly by trial and error – hearing myself say and watching myself do things that I then vowed to change because I didn’t like the way I felt.
My oldest child has seen more versions of me than my other children have. She’s watched me learn to regulate myself and deal with anxiety and depression. She’s been witness to arguments with her father back when we had no idea how to communicate effectively, or how to have the kind of relationship and marriage we wanted. She’s seen me pregnant, welcomed care workers into our home while I had to be on bedrest, and made the best out of every situation that came her way.
Divorce may have hit her the hardest because she’d been a part of the family unit the longest. She was my first for many things – the first to go away to camp, the first to enter teenagehood, the first to graduate from everything, the first to move out, the first to attend college. The first to have a professional career.
She’s been the family cheerleader, welcoming each of her siblings upon their birth, babysitting through the years without much prompting, and of course all the fun we had along the way too – Friday night family dance parties, cuddle piles, bedtime reading together, baking and cooking in the kitchen, hosting bake sales, camping as a family, and she was a fabulous guitar player and song writer.
She was the catalyst for me to make changes throughout my life to be the best person I could be. There have been many versions of myself along the way, and she’s seen them all. At my youngest son’s graduation, afterward we looked at each other and she said, “We did good, Mom.” And she was right – she has had a hand in raising them as much as I did, always being the best big sister she could.
When she moved out over five years ago, I wasn’t ready for her to go, yet I understood why she needed to. Like all of us, she needed to spread her wings and fly to figure out who she was apart from us. And like all of us, she’s learning to be the best version of herself along the way.
This morning, my shadow tried to convince me I could never forget who I was because my oldest hasn’t always been on the receiving end of me being my best version. That small part of me who is resistant to change tried to make me feel bad for not being “better” than I was in those early days, that perhaps she carries scars from those formative years that have yet to be healed. And while this may be true, I also know it to be true that she and I have a loving relationship where she can come to talk to me about anything. I also know that I have the skills and know-how to handle anything she might feel she needs to discuss with me.
It’s also okay for me to have changed. And since she’s been witness to these changes, I have the confidence that she and I can weather anything. She’s been watching and listening since she was a small child, so I know she’s learned a lot from me already, and I hope now she can take some of those lessons and use that knowledge for herself to create the life she wants.
While I might not forget who I was, I can certainly allow myself to release any guilt or shame from the past, for not knowing how to do something or act a certain way until I learned better. We truly cannot do better until we learn how. She was my inspiration for learning, and I will always be grateful for her strength of heart to be born the oldest, to be the one to see and hear the most, whether it was good or bad, and to make the choice to accept and learn from the changes I made in my life.
I suppose it comes full circle as I’m the oldest. I knew my parents before any of my siblings came along. I was their first, the one who taught them what it meant to be a parent for better or worse. I got to “pop the cherry” so-to-speak on parenthood for my folks in much the same way my oldest did for us. And I’ve come to understand that everyone is always doing the best they can with what they know until they learn more.
Thank you to my oldest for being YOU – the bright light that shone into my world to illuminate the shadows of the past so I could see the way to build a brighter future for all of us. With love from your Mom…
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