The other day, I went out with my sons to the farmers’ market. I love outings with my grown children. I enjoy our more adult conversations and love hearing their perspectives and insights. Our discussion ended up on the topic of perspectives of parent and child.
As a mom, I’ve seen my kids play many roles in their lives as they’ve grown up – soccer and baseball players, students, guitar and piano players, musical theatre actors, and on into college and job roles. The one thing my kids will always know me as is – MOM.
My kids will rarely see me as anything other than their mom. Sure I’ve had jobs, but from their perspective, the main role I’ve had in their lives is as their mother. They didn’t know me or my life before they were born. In their eyes, I’ve always been in their life, but from my perspective – they haven’t always been in mine. They became a very important part of my life, but I’ve always had other things that have defined me to myself.
Regarding me as a professional in any capacity, even though I’ve been self-employed for most of their lives along with other jobs, they don’t often see me in that way. Often, I stay silent on things they’ve learned about professional roles or business, because it’s new to them, meanwhile it’s not new to me. I’ve never been one of those parents who have the need to say, “Well, I could have told you that!” It’s okay for my children to learn from other people. In return, I’ve learned more modern things from them as they are from a different generation.
As of late, I’ve stepped back from sharing my expertise because it’s an important step in their individuation from me to learn these things on their own.
It’s hard to step back as a mother and let your children figure things out for themselves when it would be easier if they just came to you and asked for your guidance, especially on topics you know things about. Then I remember how I went out and explored the world and made my own decisions apart from my parents. It wasn’t that I didn’t value what they had to say – I needed to learn to value myself. This is true of my children too.
I’ve learned to listen and enjoy the business and more adult conversations about relationships and such that my kids have without adding in my input. When I choose to support in a listening capacity, I gain more insight into how their minds work, how they are faring as adults, and I cherish that they will talk about these sorts of matters in my presence. They know they can trust me with the information and that I won’t butt in unless asked.
I feel that is an important step as a parent who needs to individuate from their children so they can individuate from you. Our kids are intelligent beings and while you’ve guided them most of their lives, we need to allow them to guide themselves. We’ve raised them to the point where it’s not about giving them the freedom to make decisions they feel is best for them, and being there for them when they encounter something they haven’t before. Then we can share our wisdom with them as it’s needed.
When you nurture this type of exchange, you will have a wonderful relationship with them as they grow.
Kellective Creations 