Grief

Most of what I post publicly regarding my private life is a highlight of a celebration. Sometimes I feel it’s helpful to speak about my personal process if I feel it may help someone else, and I feel this is one of those times.

In the past couple of years, there has been a lot going on behind the scenes. I graduated from my program and started a new business, my youngest graduated from high school (now working in his trade), my oldest son got engaged, my daughters’ bakery expanded and their business grew exponentially. Most of them have moved out now and it’s left a bit of a hole in my life. (I’ve learned we can pack up trailers and care in an hour as a team.)

Also, a loved one struggled with addictions, and our family learned to navigate that. As anyone who has gone through it knows, this is on-going and can be exhausting at times. Someone I love dearly was diagnosed with an illness. My father-in-law passed away just over a year ago, and while I was fortunate to be there for him at the end with my partner (his son), the grieving process is on-going. I’ve never supported someone through this process before, and we are learning how to navigate our relationship through it.

As anyone who grieves for anything knows, it hits you when you least expect it. I’ve had grief attacks, much like panic attacks, but it can be triggered by an unexpected unkind word. It doesn’t even have to be the memory of someone you’ve lost. Life changes bring it on. Difficulty adjusting, emotional upheaval, etc. It is a very physical experience, and to anyone who has experienced it, I hear you, I feel you. (The first one I had, I thought I was having a medical event until I released all the emotion and knew what it was. Physically, I’ve been checked and I’m fine.)

As a healer and mental health professional, I have all sorts of tools in my emotional tool bag, which help immensely, and yet the best remedy is to have a good old-fashioned ugly cry to release the emotion. And in doing so, I’m attempting to make a friend of grief and here’s what I’ve discovered:

Grief is a horribly, beautiful emotion that demands to be felt deeply. It shows where you loved with a passion.

It demonstrates where you still hold anger.

It shines a light on what is in need of healing.

It grips you with a ferocity that urges you to fight to let go.

It softens you with compassion to love without judgment.

It holds a mirror up to the best parts of yourself.

It reflects back those times when you wish you had done better. It gives you faith that even hard change can transform you in the best way possible.

It plays a highlight reel of the best and worst of times, and the beauty of it flowers when you least expect it.

Most of all—it makes you human. To be human is to feel deeply, and grief does it best.

It reaches into all the nooks and crannies of your existence, and yanks so hard, that while you feel dragged down to the depths, in the end only the best of you remains.

Navigating through it is somewhat akin to being adrift at sea without a map or GPS to guide you. But as you gaze up into its gaping maw, you see the stars, the light at the end of your own tunnel, and know there is joy there for having loved so well.

Love well my friends